Word Assault

If this offends...well it offends, but I am sick of it.

: aeniron; March 27th, 2009

Allow me to state the obvious and say this rant has nothing to do with my regular readers. (all three of you). I have never encountered a judgemental bone in your bodies as long as I have known you. You are ultra special because of that.

Behold....7am. I'm not sure if I like it here or not. This still isn't my world. Actually it's not so much the getting up early part that bugs me, it's the going to WORK early that I'm not so keen on. But that isn't happening today, thank goodness.
My job has become SUCH a negative place. All because of one person, the store manager. Is it some sort of prerequisite that store managers HAVE to do all they can to completely alienate their employees? But this isn't what you think it is. This doesn't have a comparision. This isn't just someone with a bad attitude, this is this is taking it to levels that make me sorry, and sort of sick to my stomach.
But I go, and I act as proffesional as I can, and I do my job to the best of my abilities. It's a political and a survival thing. I NEED my job, I need the good mark on my resume. When better comes along I will reach out and take a leap at it, but keeping in good standing right now (even at a place that is at times painful to walk into) will benefit me with that in the long run. I understand how this game works. Other people.....not so much. I do not go in for the drama and the cliques that seem to infest my place of employment. It's amazing how much like junior high kids a large group of middle aged women can be.

So all of a sudden In Style magazine shows up on my door. It' is addressed to me, but in my nickname form, NOT my first name which is what everything I do is under. I did not order In Style magazine (I have nothing against it, and yes, I do look at it, but I can't afford it or any other magazine for that matter). So naturally I asked around among my friends to see if anyone did this? A few of the reactions I got were along the lines of "oh my god, how stupid! like I would EVER be caught dead with a FASHION magazine...blah blah blah I have SUCH BETTER TASTE....ect ect"
Ok, first off....
1. I have to ask. I am asking you a civilized question. Act like a fucking adult and give me a civilized answer. Something along the lines of "no, that wasn't me", would do perfectly.
2. I did NOT sign myself up for this. I DO NOT put anything in my middle name, let ALONE my NICKNAME.
3. Get off your fucking high horse. I am so tired of this "oh my god you WEAR MAKEUP AND CARE ABOUT YOUR APPEARENCE well then you must be shallow and an idiot and I am soooo much better than you" attitude I keep observing. You know what, NO ONE on this planet is not concerned in some way or another with how they look. Every fucking person has a streak of vanity, clearly some people take it to levels that they shouldn't, and obviously there is MORE than we can discuss in the beauty industry that isn't healthy, but that doesn't mean there is something wrong with a person for wanting to look their best.
And you know what, let me retort by also saying this. I am a beauty product junkie, yes. I love makeup, yes. I get my hair done, yes. I am also extremely well read (I mean real books, not bodice rippers...though they can be fun as well), politically aware, a fan of the advances of biology, a supporter of stem cell research, biodeversity, and can have discussions with you about Camus, Occam, Descartes, and the Schroedinger's Cat. Beauty and brains CAN go together.
I am NOT trying to sanctify the beauty media, I do not like a LOT of what they portray, but I also dislike hypocrasy even more. If you are going to look down your nose at another woman because she DARES to care about her appearence, then you are no better than the woman who looks down her nose at YOU because you pretend that you don't.

Tags: rantopia

Steam Punk Test...(though I'm still not sure I get it)

: aeniron; March 23rd, 2009

Your result for The Steampunk Style Test...

The Explorer

21% Elegant, 45% Technological, 40% Historical, 68% Adventurous and 26% Playful!

You are the Explorer, the embodiment of steampunk’s adventuring spirit. For you, clothing should be rugged and reliable, and just as functional as it is attractive. You probably prefer khaki or leather, and your accessories are as likely to include weapons as technological gizmos. You probably wear boots and gloves, and maybe a pith helmet. Most of what you wear is functional, and if you happen to wear goggles people had better believe that you use them. In addition to Victorian exploration gear, your outfit probably includes little knickknacks from your various travels. Above all, you are a charming blend of rugged Victorian daring and exotic curiosity.

Try our other Steampunk test here.

Take The Steampunk Style Test at HelloQuizzy

Look at my Apathy!!!!! SEXY ISN'T IT????

: aeniron; March 23rd, 2009

Current Mood:: apathetic

I have just found out that there is such a thing as coffee with weight loss supplements added to it. Now considering coffee is, by itself an appetite suppresant does this strike anyone else as a tad redundant? And seriously people, whatever happened to putting the fries down and going for a walk? (hey, I'm guilty too..........hello popeyes biscuits????)
My dog is walking around while I'm writing this whining and fidgeting. He has been out, had serious playtime and now he is mad because my attention is not focused ALL ON HIM. Brat. I love him to death, and I have no idea why...of all the things he does, THIS annoys the hell out of me...but it does.
I'm reading Un Lun Dun by China Mieville. I like it, it's cute and funny and chock full of awful subtle and not so subtle puns. But it isn't me. I mean in the scheme of things this is not a book that is typical to my tastes or interest, therefore it isn't holding me, therefore I continually put it down and only pick it up on occasion. Hopefully I will finish it, I've been terrible about that lately.
However...I have also started The Chess Machine by Rober Lohr. I think I found it. This may be the one that I can't bear to put down. I initially picked it up because of a comparision to Perfume (actually the quote was "If you liked Perfume, you'll love The Chess Machine). Seriously...I have yet to see the corrolation, but this book is intrigueing in and of itself. Considering that for a few months now NOTHING has kept my interest, I really have high hopes that this book will.

One of my friends turned me on to what is now My favorite obscure comedy. I am waiting for Netflix to send me the next season...but oh my GOD why only 18 episodes???????? Wwwwhhhhhyyyyy!!!!!!!!!

Tags: read or die, stuff

I told you so

: aeniron; March 21st, 2009

A word after a word after a word is power.
- Margaret Atwood

I am not a good person at times

: aeniron; March 19th, 2009

Current Mood:: cranky

There are times, when I am a bad person. I don't really mean to be, and I don't want to be, but all and all...I am. Because there are times when I feel like such a complete snobby bitch, because I look around at some of the people I encounter and all I can think is "who the fuck let you out in public?" I don't exactly live in a big city area, it's not a SMALL place by any means...but....eh, it's got a bit of a rural backbone, shall we say. And dear sweet Jesus does that show sometimes. If there is a technical term for racism towards people from small podunk towns then I think I may be guilty of it.
My job, unfortunately is the worst. I work with some really nice, friendly, good hearted people (I also work with some that I feel I do not get paid enough to have to be in the same room with, but that's another rant), but....really...if ignorance is bliss they must be orgasmic by now. And it's simply an ignorance of people being far too bored, and believing outlandish bullshit far too easily. Thinking for yourself is not allowed! Hell, I know this happens EVERYWHERE, even the largest metropolis imaginable.
but at times....Oy.....

Tags: aaaarrrrrgghh, ignant, rantopia

my new favorite poem...

: aeniron; March 12th, 2009

Reminding me it's the journey, not the destination that matters

Ithaca

When you start on your journey to Ithaca,
then pray that the road is long,
full of adventure, full of knowledge.
Do not fear the Lestrygonians
and the Cyclopes and the angry Poseidon.
You will never meet such as these on your path,
if your thoughts remain lofty, if a fine
emotion touches your body and your spirit.
You will never meet the Lestrygonians,
the Cyclopes and the fierce Poseidon,
if you do not carry them within your soul,
if your soul does not raise them up before you.

Then pray that the road is long.
That the summer mornings are many,
that you will enter ports seen for the first time
with such pleasure, with such joy!
Stop at Phoenician markets,
and purchase fine merchandise,
mother-of-pearl and corals, amber and ebony,
and pleasurable perfumes of all kinds,
buy as many pleasurable perfumes as you can;
visit hosts of Egyptian cities,
to learn and learn from those who have knowledge.

Always keep Ithaca fixed in your mind.
To arrive there is your ultimate goal.
But do not hurry the voyage at all.
It is better to let it last for long years;
and even to anchor at the isle when you are old,
rich with all that you have gained on the way,
not expecting that Ithaca will offer you riches.

Ithaca has given you the beautiful voyage.
Without her you would never have taken the road.
But she has nothing more to give you.

And if you find her poor, Ithaca has not defrauded you.
With the great wisdom you have gained, with so much experience,
you must surely have understood by then what Ithacas mean.

Constantine Cavafy

*SSSSNNNNAAAAARRRRLLLLL*

: aeniron; March 11th, 2009

Current Mood:: angry

I am mad...
I am so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so M.A.D I don't even know how to eloquently or properly express it.
Two of my coworkers, two of the best, most amazing, sweetest, hard working people I have ever met. Two of my absolute favorite people, two of my friends, have become the victims of the most enraging discrimination imaginable.
I cannot wrap my head around this....it's too hideous for words. And I. AM. SO. MOTHER. FUCKING. MAD.
Like I want to spit acid in the faces of the regional and district managers for this.

OH MY GOD I AM SO MADPISSEDENRAGEFUCKINGIRATESOMEONEMUSTPAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tags: there is no tag angry enough

oh my God I (sort of) wrote something...

: aeniron; March 10th, 2009

still working on it...

I must forgive
the sins of the past
both done unto me
annd those I have done
I must turn now
and face the demons
always I believe I have
escaped
always they prove to be just
behind me
I must find the courage
to embrace this pain
those who have hurt me
embrace them
then release them
Empty my consciousness
of the residue
all I want to do is forget
but I know I cannot run forever

Ugh....

: aeniron; February 24th, 2009

Current Mood:: sick

You just know you are sick beyond belief when your dog has uncontrollable diarrhea in front of you three times, and each time you have to sit and MAKE yourself get up to clean up after him. This sort of feels like sick parent/sick child.

I don't mean to whine (oh sure I do), but I am miserable. My skin feels like hot needles are continually jabbing at it, my entire body aches and I feel like an elephant is doing the charleston on my chest. I haven't felt this sick in a long time (which is good, because apparently I am a pussy, and can only deal with it on occasion). I believe it was after my trip to McAllen, Tx in 2006 (picture it...Mexico...2006). I came home, and shortly was laid low by the worst damn sickness evair....and infected EVERY one of my then coworkers at B Dalton in turn.

Being this sick drives me crazy. I hate hate HATE (with the white hot passion of ten billion flaming suns hate) the feeling of everything basically being numbed down. It makes me feel weakened, which I basically am...I mean hell that's what flue DOES. But then the physical issues lead to the uprising of old emotional pains. I spent half my night last night in the bed running high fever, basically feeling miserable, and sobbing over things from the past that STILL hurt me.Good God almighty it sucks big ones.

The meme that never ends....seriously

: aeniron; February 22nd, 2009

Current Mood:: blah

001. Real name → Zilbercack Slosfykyavich
002. Nickname(s)→ Beka, Beka Bella, ReeRee, Dude, Steve, Black Betty, Goodietwin
003. Personal Philosophy → "sometimes it rains on the just. I believe that. Sometimes it rains on the unjust. I believe that. But I also believe that sometimes it just rains. Neither God, nor Justice nor belief has anything to do with that"

004. Zodiac sign → Libra
005. Male or female → Eunich
006. Elementary → ok,look, I'm not answering all the school crap, for one thing...who the hell cares? And for another I honest to GAWD do not remember most of them anyway.

009. Eye color? →Blue with moody tendencies to gray and greenish
010. Hair color → dark brown, now with growing threads of silver. when it starts to become completely gray I will let it go natural.
011. Long or short → still pretty short, but luckily long enough for me to pull up
012. Loud or Quiet → silent, being loud takes more energy than I care to expend
013. Sweats or Jeans → yoga pants
014. Phone or Camera → meh, phone is a nessecity for some reason
015. Health freak --> health conscious yes, freak about it, no.
016. Height? → tall
017. Do you have a crush on someone? → yes, and nothing will ever come of it, which is perfect
018. Eat or Drink → I'm fond of both, especially drinking (not just adult beverages)
019. Piercings → ears, I am not allowed any others so sayeth my job
020. Tattoos → One, and it desperately needs some elaboration.
021. Water or Fire → Prefer water.
022. Love of your life or Four Billion Dollars → what a childish comparision. and yes, the love of my life could be a zillionare...so :-pppppp!!!
FIRSTS:
023. First fear ---> death
024. First best friend → who knows
025. First award → again....
026. First crush → one more time now...
027. First pet → german shephard mix from the pound named Josephine. She was like a pet/nanny/gaurdian all in one.
028. First big vacation → Philly with Lori in April of 2007
030. First big birthday --> I'm not positive I've actually had one yet, they all tend to pass quietly
033. First stitches? → I THINK my appendix when I was 4.

035. First grade teacher?→ok.....seriously??. Am I really the only person who does not have a perfect memory for things like this???
036. First car? → 1987 blue ford ltd....ooooh big pimpin
037. First cell phone?→ I don't remember the phone, but it was with Suncom, which has gone the way of the buffulo.
CURRENTLY:
041. I'm working on: trying to adjust to my new work schedule, and trying to find something I really give a shit about again
042. I'm waiting on: my tax return
043. I'm wearing: my nightie. gonna nap soon
044. I'm worried about: lots O crap that is irrational
045. I'm loving: my new comforter set
046. I'm missing: new orleans
047. I'm anticipating: my raise kicking in, finally having a day that isn't mardi gras ridden to go out and have fun
049. Eating → nada
050. Drinking → water
051. Chelsea Raine Brauwn--> Who? (I second that)
052. I'm about to → sneeze
053. Listening to → Dante purring
054. Plans for today → read, nap, clean
055. Waiting for → REPEAT QUESTIONS! OBJECTION!!! (yeah what she said!)

YOUR FUTURE:
058. Want kids?→ perhaps
059. Want to get married? → not really, living in sin is fine with me
060. What careers do you have in mind? → I have ideas and hopes...and they will stay right where they are and be nourished and kept in the dark

WHICH IS BETTER WITH A BOY/GIRL:
061. Older or younger? → either , my own age just brings identical issues and problems
062. Richer or Poorer? → than me you mean?
063. Smart or witty? → They can be one in the same
064. Shy or outgoing? → Outgoing. Because I am not going to make the first move
065. High maintenance or plain? → all men are high maintenance, they just display it in different ways
066. Glasses or contacts? → either or
067. Taurus or Gemini? → you realize there are 10 more signs in the zodiac right?
068. Lots of friends or no friends? → lots of friends, that way I know he can cope without me there 24-7
069. Lips or eyes → both
070. Hugs or kisses? → hugs, I have skin hunger
071. Shorter or taller? → same height or taller.
072. Romantic or spontaneous → what is the comparision here?
073. Nice stomach or nice arms → BOTH!!
074. Sensitive or loud → Sensitive, but don't be a pussy please. there IS a difference
075. Hook-up or relationship → Relationship. too old and tired for hookups
077. Trouble maker or hesitant → so long as you're getting in trouble with me, it's all good

HAVE YOU EVER:
078. Kissed a stranger? Not really
079. Lost your cell phone? Never for longer than a few hours.
080. Lost glasses/contacts → yes
081. Ran away from home → Nope.
082. Held a gun/knife for self defense → no
083. Killed somebody → why yes, didn't you hear? I'm blogging from my cell in Angola as we speak
084. Been heartbroken → it's amazing how many times we can be heartbroken, and each time it's an entirely new experience.
085. Been arrested → Nope.
086. Seen a hooker? → let's remember where I grew up
087. Cried when someone died → well no shit
088. Been to Las Vegas? → Not yet

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:
089. Yourself → yes, but in a complicated way
090. Miracles → I'm trying to, but honestly...no.
091. Love at first sight → No. Love yes.
092. Heaven → it can wait
093. Santa Claus → Nope.
094. Sex on the first date → it's not the best idea, but it doesn't always mean the death of the relationship. I think the US needs to unbutton the puritanical collar a little bit
095. Kiss on the first date → of course. that awkward moment is half the fun

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY:
096. Have you dated more than 1 person at the same time? → No, I barely have the energy to date ONE person at a time, I can't imagine juggling multiples.
097. Is there one person you want to be with right now? No
098. Are you seriously happy with where you are in life → I'm content with it, but still hope for more
099. Do you believe in God → I believe in a higher consciousness that envelopes us and the living world.
100. Post as 100 truths and tag 10 people → will not...neener

Tags: sheeple

So about your Valentines cards

: aeniron; February 14th, 2009

I tore them up and threw them all away. Yes, they were of course very tongue and cheek (you seriously did not think I was going to send something sappy and sentimental did you?). It's not that I don't love you, on the contrary, I love you enough not to subject you to what has become complete insipid bullshit. I have never liked this day, but today has been the worst ever. Allow me to guide you through the Febuary 14th douchebag olympics (god bless Lora for that one).
There is of course the first fact, that no matter where I went today (I'm still trying to figure out what made me leave my house in the first place) the crowds of idiots buying completely thoughtless last minute gifts were overwhelming. I love you more than anything darling, here.....have a mass produced peice of cardboard with unoriginal sentiment stamped on it. And just to prove that you're really special I'll even throw in tacky flowers/jewelry/candie/lingerie. Nothing says "I'm an individual" quite like multiple choice gift giving.
Next we have the attitude towards single people. Explain to me why...364 OTHER days out of the year I can go out alone after dark and not be inundated with sympathetic looks and snide remarks? I went into work today to buy some things (big mistake...huge mistake...COLLASAL mistake) and was had FOUR FREAKIN people in a row make some sort of obnoxious comment to me about being "out shopping alone on valentines". What the fuck people??? It's FUCKING SATURDAY! Whether I am single or in a relationship has never changed one very important fact, I DO NOT CELEBRATE MADE UP HOLIDAYS. Hell I barely celebrate the REAL holidays. YOU...perhaps...because you are cattle...may enjoy yet another consumerist nightmare once again telling you what to spend your money on...I personally do not. The comments made me so mad that by the time the fourth one was made I literally threw down what I was going to buy and walked out the door. Which brings me to my next issue...
Why is it...364 OTHER days out of the year I do not have to be subjected to conversations such as these
"oh my god....you're single that's like..totally SAD"
"oh my god...by boyfriend/girlfriend is so totally hotter/sweeter/better than yours"

Valentines is the ultimate Junior High holiday. It's a day of "let's all revel in the fact that for now we have personal worth because someone of the opposite sex (or same sex) thinks we're hot enough to bang whilie acting bitchy and cliquish to everyone else" Like...ohmigawd I'm totally better liked than you
I HATE febuary 14th, through my years both single and involved that has never changed. Ignorant asshats take note of this. Those of us who despise this "holiday" don't usually hate it because we are sad and single. I realize this is something your pea brains can't exactly grasp...but there are people out there who are happy and fulfilled WITHOUT being with someone. We believe in love, and that means all types of love. It is insanely narrowminded to think that true love begins and ends at romance. Why isn't there a friendship day? Or a sister's day? How about a pet love day? Why does the sentiment only mean something if you're getting nekkid with each other??? Oh I'm sorry...I tend to forget no one can think outside the box, that's not allowed.

Now for those of you who are single, and deppressed about being such on VD (aaah what an appropriate shorthand), allow me to retort.
Get over it....seriously. Your moping about how worthless your life is because you are single is only empowering those asshats I mentioned above.
You don't have a date on tuesday, march 23....no big deal (I have no idea if march 23rd is on a tuesday...I'm just being hypothetical...work with me here ok?)
You don't have a date on valentines day...OHMYGODTHEWORLDISCOMINGTOANDENDIWILLDIEALONEWHEREISTHEBENANDJERRYS????????????
seriously....mellow out here my unstable friends.
It's just.another.fucking.DAY.
I did however take the opportunity to buy myself a present today, new chucks.

Tags: ignant, rantopia

um..

: aeniron; February 6th, 2009

Current Mood:: tired

I'm tired...
I'm so...damned....tired....
I mean really....tiiirrreeedd
I mean I am SO...DAMNED TIRED...
there is so much I want to do....
read
write,
work out...
talk to people..
clean
shop
take a bath
blog
I mean the list just keeps going...
but...but...
I'm just.....TIRED,
I love you.

I'm freakin tire-*zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz*

So I got a promotion

: aeniron; January 28th, 2009

Current Mood:: nervous

And I'm happy about it (oooh check out my enthusiam), I'm going to be second in charge of the men's department (sort of like a DM). I think it will be good. If nothing else I am now going to get a steady 40 hours a week and this will really pimp my resume. However I still have no idea what my pay rate is (I'm still hourly). The manager went on vacation literally 3 hours after she told me I had the position and won't be back until next week. So I am grinding my teeth impatiently. IOf course because my brain works constantly in disaster mode I'm sitting here thinking I will get some pathetic 50 cent increase. I know they START their Area Sales Managers (who I am directly under) off at 34k ayear, and every one I've talked to has told me Belk is good to their employees when it comes to salaries, but just the same I am expecting the worst. My fingers are crossed.

Tags: 9 ta 5ishness, yada yada

back in the day

: aeniron; January 17th, 2009

Current Mood:: cold

I was serious hardcore.
Tough as nails....I tell you it was the truth.
I was a hellcat
That was what they called me (so being serious here...that was one of my nicknames)
nothing phased me,
didn't care
take me or leave me
all the same for me
Kindly go fuck yourself.
Those days, my friends, are long gone now
It's SERIOUSLY hitting me JUST how long gone
I dunno...did I suddenly get too old to be made of obsidian anymore?
Or do I finally feel safe enough to actually let the REAL me come out and
play?
Either way I am sad.
It'll pass..but for this moment..
bleah.

Tags: eeewww emotions!, whiny ass

How ya'll durrin

: aeniron; January 16th, 2009

Current Mood:: blah

The Ghost Writer made me want to cry. I mean come on, I go into the used book store, wide eyed and hopeful in anticipation about what is to be found, I wander through the horrendous maze of ill organized shelves (basically part of a used book stores charm, except most of these shelves are devoted to gawd awful faded harlequin bodice ripper man titty) Until..FINALLY...something catches my eyes, and looks intrigueing to me. And this COULD have been a great book! That is what is so sad. Look I will tell you right now...it was not written well, (raaaammmbbblllinnggg......ok...ok....we get what the creepy deserted house looks like....can we move on to PLOT?). But the subject matter was such that I kept on reading...JUST because I wanted to believe it would all come together in the end! And it did NOT! Whhhyyyy???? Why must you LIE???!!!!! Seriously...the ending was just sloppy second thoughts. dude....where is the pride?
I am feeling the need to hole myself up into...well...a hole. I really WANT to be social, I want to have the energy and desire to be active, and go places when I'm invited and be the life of the party, and charm the masses and all that wonderful cack. But it is not going to happen. It is NEVER going to happen. Why must I rail against who I am? Why must I constantly question my instincts????
Why???
Why???
WWhhhyyyy????????????????????
In other news...I has new icons...OMGTHEEXCITMENT!!!!!! YAY!

Tags: rusty implement reading, yada yada

Is there something wrong with me?

: aeniron; January 12th, 2009

Current Mood:: cranky

I mean, you guys would TELL me if there was right? I sort of feel like I missed some memo because I am not constantly bitching and complaining about how awful it is to live here and what a shithole this place is. I'm always so behind in what is fashionable anyway you know, I guess I'm out of the loop for not completely despising where I live and constantly bemoaning my lot in life because I have to be here. Yes, this blog is in a way part two of the one I posted last night. If you really hate it here....the answer is simple. Move. No one is forcing you to stay, but please don't look down your nose at me because I choose to live here and make it my home.

To whom it may concern..(no, neither of you)

: aeniron; January 11th, 2009

Current Mood:: irritated

There are times when I just don't understand people. I mean...I understand, really I do, I feel your pain, I get where you're coming from, but really...is it so damned serious? Is it truly the end all be all? Will the world actually implode upon itself because you happen to have to tempararily deal with a situation you would rather not deal with? My life is not all I want it to be, my world is far from perfect, but I still find time to be grateful, because I think it could be a lot worse, and all in all...I've got a lot going for me. Is it so hard to be grateful for things even if they aren't exactly what you want them to be? Is the heart attack you are going to give yourself because you are not in total control (because God knows...that exists) of every fucking detail really worth it? Are the sacrifices you will have to make to gain that "control" worth the loss? Just because something isn't exactly what you want, doesn't make it wrong or bad. And while we're at it, who the fuck are you to judge? There is a hell of a lot more to life than what you want. And there are more important things in life than always winning every fight you pick.

Tags: aaaarrrrrgghh, ignant, rantopia

Things that piss me off beyond words

: aeniron; January 6th, 2009

so here is the thing. my credit score sucks ass. it used to be good, BUT thanks to a certain carnie cuntwad whore bitch who lived with me and stiffed me with a verizon bill SIX YEARS ago, my score has had a good 100 points knocked off of it. that MORTGAGE i had and paid ON TIME for three years? doesn't even show up. the shit you THINK is important really isn't. in order to create better credit, i actually need good debt. i have NO DEBT (aside from a 200 dollar verizon bill from someone else that is STILL fucking me in the proverbial ear....Ashleigh, wherever you are...I smite you with the curse of incurable lice). I have no student loans, my car is paid for, I rent. In order to build my credit,I must GET credit. and this means basically bending over and taking it without lube to a credit card tailored for people with bad credit. Also known as a credit card with a hideous "start up" fee. This pisses me off beyond belief,because basically I will end up PAYING someone and never seeing that money again, but I have to do it. I have to restablish my credit. I do not come from a plastic generation family. I come from a hippy-in-denial gypsy mother. I come from a hand me down, hand to mouth, wanderlust home where you paid cash for something or didn't get it at all. I don't understand this world where the winners are the ones who accumulate the most of money that isn't real and isn't their own. I've always been proud that I have no debt, but it's hurting me as much as it's helping me, because I lack what they call "good debt" stuff like a car payment, a good standing student loan. There is more good on my credit report than bad, but there isn't ENOUGH good. I am going to have to acquaint myself (carefully and begrudgingly) with the plastic planet.
advice in this area is most welcome...I am not in familiar or comfortable waters.

diet...FAIL

: aeniron; January 6th, 2009

Current Mood:: full

Ben and Jerry's Cheesecake Brownie ice cream
*nomnomnomnomnomnomnomnomnomnomnomnomnomnomnomnomnomnomnomnomnomnomnomnomnomnomnomnomnomomnomnomnomnomnomnomnomnomnomnomnomnomnomnom*.........urp.

stuff n nonsense

: aeniron; January 4th, 2009

I am hungry. And I am hungry for crappy food. I want greasy fatty delightfulness. Sonic to be exact. I will doubtless hate myself in the morning.
I was seriously thinking about going back to Aveda, but I've decided not to. (I do this ALOT, you would think that if, by now, I'd decided against going there this many times, I'd just stop getting the wild hair up my ass to do it). Frankly I do not feel like blowing through my savings, especially on a career that will be almost 100 percent commision based. Especially the way the econamy is presently.
They are moving people around at Belk, and they've taken the bad seeds out of our department and put them in other places (little detail I'm not supposed to know but do, owing to the fact that the two head managers ADORE me, this move is the beginning of the end for these people). Looking at who will be left and who they are adding, I think it's going to make a very big difference. This job has not gotten off to the smoothest start, but I am going to keep enduring, because I really do want it to work out. I want stability. I would like to buy a home eventually (I am not going to move out of Louisiana, at least not any time soon. Despite popular opinion I really do NOT believe this is the backwoods black hole everyone thinks it is.) I want to be able to create a career for myself that I enjoy and that provides what I need. Yet another reason I am not going to blast through my savings going to Aveda, I can think of other BETTER uses for that money in the long run.
And now, I few things I have learned in 2008

It is possible to save a booty load of money by simply eating at home and not eating out.

. Despite 3 different coffee pots I still prefer to get my coffee from C'C's

There ARE people in the world who have no good in them. Probably less than 5% of the population, but they DO exist, and enventually, you will encounter one.

. I have serious personal space issues, even with my closest friends. It freaks me out and annoys me greatly if someone calls me constantly.

. I am about as maternal as a rattlesnake.

I actually AM an adult and fully capable of taking care of myself (I always suspected.....)

. I really have no love or time for crap like facebook and myspace. What was once an obsession now just annoys me.

The busier I stay, the more at peace I tend to be.

. I MAY....FINALLY, be learning how to let it go

. Sodium is my mortal enemy. Damn the tastiness of chips and salsa.

Staying up past 11pm is now nearly impossible for me

. Home ownership is NOT the end all be all. (actually I've believed this for several years now, having been there done that.) but one day I would like to do it again.

. I have the one thing I've always hoped and prayed for all the time I was growing up, freedom.

Unless you have four legs I am not fond of sharing my bed (if I ever get married I sincerly hope it's to someone who appreciates this quirk "honey I love you, how do you feel about your own bedroom?")

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